Thursday, April 19, 2007

A Bad Mood

When in an extremely bad mood, the following courses of action hold hope of changing the mood, or, at the very least, of providing some temporary relief.

  • Punch out the person attempting to get you to donate to the "Save the Siberian Kitten" fund. Not a little love-tap either, but a full-on, sit-you-on-your-arse belt.
  • Snatch the mobile phone off that person who is sharing their annoying conversation with everyone within a 20-metre radius. Throw that same phone down hard. On the concrete. Enjoy seeing all the little shiny plastic pieces scatter randomly.
  • Resign on the spot. Walk out. Never return. Not even to retrieve your favourite Dilbert cartoon.
  • Go to the pub. Buy the foulest-tasting rum in the largest size beer glass and get very, very dog-earred. Get thrown out at closing time.
  • Catch a train to a random destination. Like Antartica.
  • Get a permanent tattoo that has a lot of swear words on it.
  • Buy something really expensive that you've always wanted. Like a Jack Russell Terrier.
  • Go to KFC and order the largest bucket of chicken. Eat it all, discarding the bones OFF the tray and on the table. Belch loudly throughout, and visit the toilet only to vomit.
  • Eat an ice-cream. Or possibly two. At 8am.
  • Stop on the way home to purchase a 1kg bag of potato chips. Eat them while lying on the lounge watching Men Behaving Badly, all six series, beginning to end.
  • Go to a gay bar or gym and pick a fight with the muscliest bloke there.
  • Surf for porn movies at work. Play them with the volume turned way up high.

Please note I have purposely removed all those that would cause death or pregnancy to strangers. I suspect perhaps that the difference between myself and someone who is clinically depressed is that I would probably not do any of these. Probably. Not that I actually know anything about clinical depression.

Oh. I left one off the list: Write a morbidly depressing blog entry. There, that's helped, hasn't it?

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Someone has messed up

I think it is interesting the way newspapers, and news sites, indicate foul language.

I was reading an article on the Sydney Morning Herald's AFL website about Adam Selwood being cleared for using offensive language on the field. The actual article is here.. Initially, Selwood is quoted in the usual way, with the first letter of the word showing and the rest of the characters replaced with asterisk signs with the exception of letters to indicate tense. So "Bummer" would appear as "B*****". But "pushed" would appear as "p***ed". You get the picture I'm sure.

But someone obviously forgot this rule in the second half of the article. Read down to the paragraph that starts: "Selwood said there was no other conversation..." Strange that not all instances of that particular word are bleeped.

Of course with my luck lately, it is sure to be sanitised by the time someone reads this blog entry.

Monday, April 16, 2007

An opportunity wasted

The English language is missing a word. This word describes the intense feeling of satisfaction felt when you see a segment on a current affairs show that covers a story or situation that you previously thought to be an as-yet-to-be-discovered truth.

Naturally I'll illustrate this with an example.

One day recently, once again stuck in Sydney traffic, I looked across at a driver in the next lane who was sitting dejectedly behind the wheel of his gawdily-marked business car. I began wondering just how much the recent road changes and subsequent traffic jams would be costing businesses.

Sure enough, Thursday night, I was watching A Current Affair on Channel 9, against my will I might add, as I really dislike the show, when an item came on discussing this very thing. It is costing businesses big time. Yes! I was right.

This illustrates to me that the blog is king. If I had've blogged about this when I initially thought about it, then I'd be a rich man now either having sold the idea to Channel 9, or suing the bastards for stealing my idea.

Time to start blogging every single little thought, no matter how fleeting or trivial. Be prepared for an onslaught.